OK... I'll take the challenge.

Since Malinda777 was so gracious to participate in the meme garbage... I am my sissies bubba... and will always aspire to be as good as she is... that said..... here are my meme's

4 Things I Do Every morning
1. shower
2. watch news
3. Iron shirt
4. have cigarette

4 Things That Turn Me Off
1. someone that is shy
2. someone that is obnoxious.
3. pride
4. prejudice

4 Things I Am Afraid Of
1. Spider webs - Not spiders
2. Hights... can't stand high altitudes.
3. Critics
4. Not Being in control of "the" situation.

4 Things I Do Everyday
1. Shit, Shower & Shave... That would be one.
2. Tell my wife I love her.
3. Kiss my wife before I go to work.
4. Hug my sons.

4 Things I Want To Have or Do
1. A yacht.
2. A Daughter.
3. A successful career
4. A family plantation.

4 People I Want To See
1. Robin Williams
2. George Carlin
3. Johnny Carson
4. Andy Kaufman

4 Favorite Colors
1. Blue
2. Green
3. Yellow
4. Black

It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience,
but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses;
but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him -
he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you a
nd you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper,
you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body
and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears
but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill
but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments,
you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting,
glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly,
tells you, with a chuckle;
that you have been his most stubborn
yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Weeble Wobbles

I ran into an issue today that made me think (once again) that I am an over protective parent. I have a special needs child that, upon birth, was deathly allergic to milk and soy products. He was our first and he was born two months early which meant that mom's breasts had not yet prepared for breast feeding, though we tried every method possible to stimulate production. We tried manual pumps, vacuum pumps, the daddy pump and the Rainbow Water Filter Vacuum cleaner that always produced great suction on a water bong and was the equivalent of a Marijuana CPAP respirator machine. Not true, but funny as hell if you think about it. If you have ever had a child, you know that the only formulas that are available, if you can't breast feed, are milk based or soy based. The only option we had for a formula for an infant was Neocate. A Product based in Australia that costs $128 for 4 - 14 oz containers. You think formula is expensive... try feeding your kid liquid gold.

After a couple of accidents as a toddler where he go hold of his younger brother's sippy cup of milk when we weren't watching, and mad rushes by ambulance to the ER... he finally outgrew this disorder and now can handle milk and soy. But now he has developed epilepsy, with several attacks a week and as much as several attacks a day that make us nervous if he ever gets a strange look in his eyes.

It is because of my first child's challenges that I have become an overbearing parent that strictly restricts both of my boys activities to mild play... though they rarely subscribe to my theory. We recently found out that my oldest has a large gap in his upper spinal discs that could cause permanent paralysis if he were to be involved in a contact sport impact. This is due to the fact that he was born two months premature and this portion of the spinal column did not completely develop. So rough play is discouraged yet once again.... rarely followed.

I said all that to say this... and I'm not sure why... I forbid toy guns in my home and, though I was raised with a serious respect for firearms, do not own a gun. I will however gladly accept my dad's cache of firearms that he owns as my inheritance since there is so much history involved with them. This includes hunting trips and even the gun he gave me when I was 13 years old... our toughest year after the oil bust. We had no money and the only thing my father could think to give me was the gun that was mentioned in Malind777's blog. This meant so very much to me, but was quickly yanked back when I showed irresponsible behavior in the use of the same gun. To this day, I believe that my dad did the right thing. He doesn't know how close I came to death myself from such behavior, but when he did see a clue to poor gunmanship, he took the .22 rifle and removed the bolt. That rendered the gun useless and to this day, it resides in his gun cache 20 years later.

I started this entire rant to announce that I have realized that I am an overprotective parent that has restricted many of my children’s activities to "safe play" I have so sterilized my home from anything that can hurt my oldest son to the point that balls or anything round that can be stepped on and cause a fall has not been allowed. But today I introduced Weeble Wobbles. The boys looked at them like they were alien beings and asked me what they do. They don't have buttons that make them make noise or zoom off in a cloud of smoke like some of their electronic remote control cars do. They were just simple Weeble Wobbles... They weeble and they wobble but they don't fall down... NOW... all this was said to say this....

Imagine the picture when the boys ask what they do and you respond in this manner...

"It's a game... you both try to knock over your Weeble Wobble... if you're the first one to knock over your Weeble Wobble and it stays knocked over... You WIN....

Two hours later, my wife and I had a cigarette... proud of the fact that we had the best "un-interrupted" sex in a long time.

Weeble Wobbles... They Weeble and they Wobble... and Mama's always happy.

Cheney's Got A Gun

Let me say that I have heard just about enough about Cheney, Whittington and his bad case of chicken pox and the press' tabloid like way of blowing this whole situation out of proportion. The state of Texas had 30 "reported" hunting accidents last year and 2 hunting accident related deaths. I did not know this until about 5 minutes ago when I decided to Google it. I didn't know of even one hunting accident in the state of Texas. I was sure they had happened, it is always just a matter of time before someone gets hurt with a bunch of guys running around with guns. There's always going to be one numb skull that doesn't quite comprehend the meaning of "cross fire". But now some VP that is even more forgettable than Vice President Walter Mondale is being drug though the mud as if he had stalked Whittington down and shot him point blank with intent. This is as criminal as the time when you turned a corner in a hall somewhere and collided with the other unlucky soul that was around that corner coming your direction. It was an accident. The VP did exactly what you and I would have done. He and his buddy's picked the guy up and took him to the Hospital. He wasn't whisked away in a black helicopter to some super secret facility in Area 51. If this had happened to you, would it even cross your mind to hurry up and put together a press conference to announce what had happened. NO ! In fact, if some suggested it, you'd look at them like they were crazy and ask them "Who would care?"

I agree, he is the VP and resides currently under Spotlight 1, but having been someone in the spotlight for much of my life, I know more than some may realize how he is just a normal guy. He pours his Wheaties out of the same box we do, he bangs his head on cabinet doors that have been left open and yes, somewhere out there is someone that is going to scream if they have to wash another pair of his underwear that has skidmarks.

That's all I have to say about that. I wasn't even going to say that much, but I heard this Parody this morning on the radio and just had to laugh until I cried.

"Cheney's Got A Gun" (new Aerosmith remake)


Cheney's Got A Gun
His whole world's come undone
He was lookin' straight at the sun
What did that lawyer do
What did he put you through

Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
long media day's just begun
Now Rita Cosby is on the run
Tell me now it's untrue
What did that geezer do

He shot a little bitty quail
The man has got to be insane
They say the spell that he was under
The Rove and the thunder
Knew that someone had to stop the rain

Run away, run away from the pain Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Run away, run away from the pain Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away

Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
his dog day's just begun
Now the press is on the run
What did that lawyer do
It's Halliburton's last I.O.U.

He had to take him down easy
And put a pellet in his face
He said 'cause nobody believes me
The man was such a geezer
He ain't never gonna be the same

Run away, run away from the pain Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away

Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
Everybody better run

Cheney's Got A Gun
his SNL skit has just begun
Now everybody's on the run (Honey, honey what's your problem)
'Cause Cheney'sGot A Gun (Tell me it ain't right)
Cheney's Got A Gun (Was it Rove just robbin')
his dog day's just begun (That made you scream at night)

Cheney's Got A Gun
the slow news day's just begun
Now everybody's on the run
Cheney's Got A Gun

Today's News In Your Nut Shell

(Gulf News)
Who wants to rent a "Sex Doll"

(Some Guy)
Top 30 mistakes made by new Mac users (with cliche goodness)

(Gainesville Sun)
Mohammed cartoon controversy finally silly enough to warrant "Florida" tag

(Some Guy)
Delta Airlines subliminally giving your kids a bit of teh ghey

(TSN.ca)
Reports surfacing that Wayne Gretzky had prior knowledge of illegal gambling ring. Canada declares state of emergency

(LGN)
Theme: AudioEdit a high school speech gone wrong

(WFTV)
Man who went wild on "Girls Gone Wild" creator given 11 years in prison

(Bozeman Chronicle)
Today's "U.S. senator edits his Wikipedia entry to delete reference to Arabs as 'ragheads'" story brought to you by Montana's Conrad Burns

(Daily Record)
Scotland announces a sword-dropoff amnesty program. Highlander and Kurgan get ready for the ultimate slap-fight

(Staffordshire Sentinel)
"Your garden looks great." "Thanks. The octopus are coming in especially nice this year"

(Hindustan Times)
Moby is mad that Bush is cutting education spending, and you might be mad too, but you're not getting in a paper because you're not famous

(National Journal)
National Journal: Cheney authorized Plame leak. Cheney: Go f*ck yourself

(NewsWatch50)
Japan marketing whale-blubber burgers to schoolkids

(Theory of People)
"Not safe for work" Fark photoshop by Farker Modified_Dangler shows up in Vancouver Province newspaper

(Boston Herald)
Neil Entwistle, who fled the U.S. after his web porn fraud empire came crashing down and his family was shot to death, has been arrested in England for murder. (Note: Victim was attractive, young, white, suburban woman)

(AL.com)
When you see a headline like "Retarded man can't ride moped again," you have this desire to find out why

(Green Discharge)
Fark Atlanta Party: Just under two months away. It's a biggun. DIT

(Courier Journal)
Louisville to add a skyscraper with a design apparently inspired by the arcologies from SimCity 2000

(ctv.ca)
Terri Hatcher wows Grammy crowd with sheer dress. Article contains absolutely no pics, nor links to pics

(West Press)
Terry Pratchett's "Hogfather" to be adapted for TV. HO. HO. HO

(KLFY)
Former FEMA head Michael Brown will tell all about the times he talked to Bush after Katrina, unless the White House gives him one biiiiiilllion dollars

(Some Guy)
In the same vein as the Hampster Dance and the Jesus Dance, here comes the Mohammed Dance

(Jackson News-Tribune)
Woman in Oregon, stuck with her two dogs but no car, decides to walk home. To Texas

(KVBC)
News article: "Could marijuana be legalized in Nevada?" Federal law: "No"

(Some Rube)
Paintings made by dude flinging paint may have been made by impostor paint-flinger

(Egotastic!)
Cover charge for the club: $10. Tips for the stripper: $50. Dannii Minogue's lesbian lapdance: Priceless. (Not safe for work)

(KOTV)
Stolen A.L. Championship ring recovered after seven years, thanks to dumbass and Ebay

(WGRZ)
Man gets attacked by pet fish. Paramedics find victim floundering on floor

(WND)
Woman gets naked and paints herself like a tiger to protest the circus. Onlookers don't know or care why she is protesting, just happy for the boobies (safe for work)

(Action news)
No one ever expects to be attacked with a dead raccoonsicle, especially in Florida (with video)

(KMBC)
News anchor is smart enough to not give his credit card information to scam artists who couldn't spell "possible" or "fraud"

(Some Guy)
Your favourite cartoon characters stripped down literally to their bare bones. Unusual idea, fascinating results (safe for work)

(Billboard)
Barry Manilow tops Billboard chart. Four Horsemen seen riding toward the copacabana

(Some God-Banger)
Theme: Differing religions settling their differences like street gangs

Posting this from my blackberry from my hospital bed... Spousal Abuse...

How To Be A Good Wife

Feel free to leave your comments... I WILL post them later.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.

The nurse says that I can use the morphine pump whenever I want for the pain.

The cops say I can't go back to the house because of something called a "Straining Order".... I don't even like spaghetti !!!!

The lawyer says that I am going to have to get used to the idea of living in an apartment since she'll probably get the house.

My buddy that sent me "The Rules" just sent me an email telling me how stupid I was to let the woman in on our "lil joke"

And the voices in my head are speaking up again, but like I've said... the speak spanish... and I don't.

OK.. a little morphine... and i shuld be ok... it rilly helpz wit thi pane an i rully donioon car bout ol tttthhhiizz... jfd jsjet as-r5m.,,.defl;ajgvamx

Helping The Aging Housewife

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for her to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find timeto pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when shewas only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support her. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put onthis earth to help each other.....

....bang head here....

The wife and I had to take the Toyota to the dealership the other day. The radiator had suddenly decided to crap out on us and was holding fluids about as well a 95 year old with a coughing fit.

When my wife and I arrived at the dealership to pick up our car when they were done, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

Well, my 8 year old, "Z", Wasn't aware that there was even a problem. As I watched the guy working at the locked driver side door, "Z" naturally went around to the passenger side, opened the door and climbed in.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Blah Blah Blog again...

Once again... I have an unusualy parallell story to the one posted by Malinda777, author of the Blah Blah Blog.

The following, is from an e-mail sent to me. I believe this story is several months old, but still...I seem to have several nature lover readers. I thought you would enjoy this.

Albino girl from folks who live on Bolivar Peninsula, Texas.

A very eventful day around here... A once in many lifetimes experience! Mark saw this lil' princess run out in front of a car and thought it was a lost baby ghost. Stopped to get it, and WOW. A real Albino little girl. Just 15 years old, but doing fine. No Mama around. Another car nearly hit it in front of Mark..

Well, she is THE neatest thing any of us ever saw. And such a 'freak of nature', that only 1 in more than a million are even born. She took her bottle of food, followed us around the house, doing great. So, we called Child Protectictive Services (CPS), who were both interested, but going to send her to a Whites Only Rehab, at a doctor that we have never gotten along with... So, one of Dad's best friends is our local prison warden. Kinda reluctantly, but, I called him and told him the deal. He came right over, of course... and assured me that he wouldn't take it to that doctor, that he was going to 'go to higher levels' than that with her.

So, she is gone now. We got a lot of pix, and something we will never see again probably, so it was very cool. Maybe she will make it in captivity somewhere and be appreciated. So rare...

Sure wanted to keep her though . But, not the thing to do. And not LEGAL either ; But, here is a pic to show ya. She was snow white, blue eyes, ears, nose and hooves. Not sure why she has hooves instead of feet, but after doing a Google search, she may have some type of attachment to the Albino Deer mentioned in the Blah Blah Blog.... Their stories are awkwardly very similar. Kids called her POWDER. She was SO small. WOW..how cool is that??

My Rambling Thoughts Throughout The Day...

I could not resist posting this internet classic

I am warning you now... this will stick in your head and tomorrow you'll catch yourself in the presence of a customer or client and spontaniously break out into singing this tune... just try and not do it.

Just a few questions that came through my mind today... and in case you are a smart ass, NO... it wasn't the voices in my head. They speak spanish and I don't.

Why do I press harder on a remote control when I know the batteries are getting weak?

Why does my bank charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe me when I say there are four billion stars, but check when I say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath I use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do I constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do I keep running over a string a dozen times with the vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on my first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When I am in the supermarket and someone rams my ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do I say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't I say, "That hurt, you F**ker?"

Why is it that whenever I attempt to catch something that's falling off the table I always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do I try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when I complained about the heat?

How come I never hear father-in-law jokes?

I have a headache…

I’m going to go lay down now.